I attended an intimacy and Trauma workshop that was facilitated by Dr. Erica Holmes. She shared about an interesting aspect of attachment trauma; being severed at 5 from a very large and close knit family and tribe in Camden, Arkansas, and landing in LA with no one but her mom and brother. Growing up in the South is very different from the inner city of Los Angeles. Eventually her mother sent her back to her grandparents. Her story got me thinking about how my family who once shared big Christmases when I was a child slowly broke down, as people died or got divorced, and how that is an unresolved sadness. No one talked in the 70s about trauma, no less losing attachment figures or loved ones. We were in a time where we were told to buck up and survive.
As she wrote a book on dating, we speak of people who have had trauma who could take three paths to soften the desire to put up walls. One, take stock in how the trauma is continuing to live on in your life. How trauma impacts your emotional selves can cause a bifurcated reaction. When we are hurt in relationships, they start to become frightening in themselves. Two, develop relationships with the self other, like a therapist, a mentor or someone encouraging, supportive or validating. And Three, to practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and remember there is common humanity and humans are fallible and life can be stinky. I have read all the dating books, and I can tell you, until you do the work she is talking about, you can keep perpetuating patterns. Take a listen where I share a little of my crazy process thus far!
Why Are We Not Talking More About Trauma?