Today someone asked me if they could make a suggestion about an aspect of how I run my business and I said “No.”
They did not like this answer.
In the moment, I didn’t care.
See, for my whole life, whenever I said “No”, I then felt obligated to explain myself. I have had a long day which is why it is “No” for now, but I could be swayed to be yes later. Or I say “No”, then I apologize for being DIFFICULT (in other words not an extreme people pleaser) and in some way find myself compromising a decision I made behind the reason I said “No”. Some people don’t like “No”, because it signals the end of a discussion that they may have been hoping was a conflict. I don’t have a ton of time for conflict when I say “No”. I usually also only say an emphatic “No” to someone when I see a pattern where I said yes, or I listened, or I caved to their opinion three times prior and now I have learned something about my sanity and therefore in it’s preservation I am saying “No”.
“No” is a complete sentence.
“No” I don’t want to hear your opinion about me at this time.
“No” I am not interested in being sold something by you today.
“No” I don’t want to hear your excuses for your behavior in this moment.
This person today heard the “No”, but then they proceeded to be very upset about the “No”, and then I should have just said that’s the way it is, but their upset state of being tripped me into having to explain myself which was more like defending myself in a firm way because I was simultaneously mad at myself for not putting a period after “No”.
Then of course as modern day will lend to, we escalated into an unnecessary war of words on text where no one is listening to anyone because they are too busy typing out their position which they believe to be right.
This person then went right to finality.
“Well then I guess we shouldn’t work together anymore.”
My “No” about hearing their opinion about one of my work strategies turned into the ending of any kind of collaboration permanently. I find that fascinating sometimes the way someone can get triggered by a “No” which means their “No” was not honored by anyone in their life. It is so foreign to them that a “No” could be simple and neutral without hurting anyone’s feelings or taking anything away from anyone, that they then go to an extreme that they must cut off all contact. They feel the “No” is like such a Greek language, they blow some kind of brain gasket.
This idea of “No” was really brought to the center for me today. I felt like I had entered a conflict I was not prepared for, in only a short period of time. I had to go into another meeting right away, and my indicator that I was on the beam and healthy in my retort was that I did not feel a pounding heart, hot face or a stomach ache. I had stood my ground and watched this person twist themselves into a pretzel about me. I had stood in my “No” despite the fall out.
My next go to would be the first to apologize. Believe me. If I think I am in the wrong, I apologize right away. Ask my children. I apologize to them all the time. But my kids also understand when I say “No,” it’s “No” (although they are so sweet they can usually get me to say “Yes” by being so kind about my “No” I can’t stand it and cave - plus I pretty much always want ice cream.)
I have had people needle me endlessly about a “No” in my past, and I have gotten very good at not being swayed and caving. Because I mastered this skill, I learned I could then practice good boundaries for myself, and I had, with some people, the ability to then re-evaluate the “No” and make it a “Yes.” Those people, though, have earned the ability to be in this dialogue with me because they understand when I do say “No”, it is “No”.
Which is interestingly why I don’t say “No” a lot. I often am pretty flexible like that sounds like an amazing idea, and I would love advice on that, sure, and I am happy to split the burrito with you as long as we have the hot sauce on the side. I entertain ideas that are presented to me, and when I don’t know the answer, I wait. I sometimes work out the values around the question or request and know immediately it is a “No” or not a fit, but since we are always growing and expanding, new perspectives can give me a pause from time to time. Maybe it’s a “Yes” and I am just scared. I love turning those potential “No’s” that limit my life into Yes’s.
I am sorry my friend was so frazzled about my “No” and how she felt my practices in my business were not in accordance with her view of how I should handle myself. I think she had choices to make before she called me, and the only answer she was going to accept was me saying “Yes” and “I agree” and instead I said I didn’t want to hear her perspective. Sure, we can sometimes hear other’s perspective, but not if you know this is the last straw of a pattern.
I don’t want to be questioned over and over about my worth.
I don’t want to adjust my business model to fit what makes you more comfortable. I have to wear it every day.
I don’t want to be shamed for what I make as a living by another woman.
I want my “No” respected.
That said, oh there is another piece, and it is putting the spotlight on yourself. In AA we have a step called Step 9 and it makes many newcomers to sobriety shake in their boots because we have to go apologize for our drunken behavior to people in our past. Once that phase is over and we have been sober for a while, we get to then look at our behavior as sober people who now have a greater modicum of self awareness. So I had to put a magnifying glass on my reaction to this person and realize I had behaved from impulsivity and a lack of consideration for how they may want to do business with me. I could have called them prior to the text and said, here is how I am currently working, would you be okay with that and given them the opportunity to share their needs.
But I didn’t ask, so I got a call, and then I said “No.”
It’s amazing how we have to spend our whole lives, especially as people who have been minimized, or voiceless, to learn how to say “No” only then learn there are many paths of communication before the “No.”
My tantrum was having it my way when I wanted to have it. Her tantrum was calling me out without understanding where I could have been coming from.
Will the relationship resolve itself? I am not sure at this time, but what I do know is I am a spiritual being in a human body, and I have to remember that at all times. I get to check in more often with that spiritual part of me instead of succumbing to the rat race that forces me to be hard and tough.
Look at your “No” today and ask yourself, where is it coming from?
Thank you for sharing this Kim! I think we as humans have all touched upon this topic- I know I have many times!!!! Standing your ground and saying No is not as easy as this two letter word rolls off the tongue! Perfect post!! ❤️
You did it again! Thank you Kim. Boy do I get it. Happy that you shared this today, as it really is good to know that I’m not alone with the internal “no” struggle. This was a great aha kind of read.