Why It Can Be Terrifying to Get What We Want...
And the healing happens when we chill the fuck out and flow.
I had a therapy session last week that was a wild rollercoaster of ranting and raving, swearing, crying and smiling. At one point, I was humbled by the kindness of my therapist when she said to me, “Based on your history, why does it surprise you that you feel fear when you are receiving what you want?” She was referring to this terror that lies within that I am missing some cue or sign that I have judged the situation wrong, and I am hanging myself out to dry. Nothing could be farther from the truth, as the love and appreciation I was feeling was reciprocated, but the magnitude of it tripped up all these deep issues with trust.
Never mind the day before I attended a Zoom of an author who had written a book about how she reconciled with her abusive father before he died and he was a grandfather to her children. I never had that closure. I had a father abuse me, then act like it never happened, and be inconsistently attentive (and dysfunctional) and then die. So of course, this Zoom tripped up some old feelings of lack of closure (which I didn't know until it collided with these incredible romantic feelings I was having). Suddenly a profound beach getaway that produced new intermingling feelings of comfort and passion turned in my mind to a dangerous place because I felt SO much and was afraid these feelings would, well, basically kill me. They had such power. I was experiencing a sense of desire and comfort that was on a new level, and my defense systems warned me. My inner child was terrified. Situations like this don’t work out. Don’t expect so much. You will be let down.
So I called my boyfriend, and after a lot of stammering and some tears, explained what my therapist was able to summarize the next day: Falling deeper in love is scary. The good news is, once I had a voice, and people who I trusted could hear me, the impact dissipated. I was suddenly super aligned with this new me. I CAN feel deeper love! Deeper love brings a new sense of confidence, hope and possibilities. It is not a minefield, but rather a garden. That information was so profound to me, I had to make a note for the future. When I experience deep intimacy, I get to give myself permission to elevate to a new level of feelings. I get to take that abundance and turn it into more abundance versus shrink back from the spotlight.
We may experience bigger feelings in breakthroughs with our children, with a creative project, with family members, or in a community we are part of. The elevating to a new level of connection and trust can be beautiful and to have a voice for it, profound, but we can also be scared. We get to be both of those feelings until we can get back to the middle ground. The middle ground is where the growth actually happens. It doesn’t happen in the hysterical historical stuff, or the avoidant scared phased. The emotional growth and new expectations of the value of our life happens when we chill the fuck out and flow.
How about all that same work you put into fixing yourself, and vetting your demons you now put into learning how to hang with goodness? Like sit on your throne looking out at all that’s in your world and just think, yeah, I literally have everything I want and I am just getting started. You would think it is easy to just hang with the goodness. Not when you come from a complicated past. It takes work. My body and mind have a hard time regulating when my life delivers miraculous experiences and abundance. Especially when in that place I go for more of what I even want and receive it. That is a complete mind blow I have to really work to maintain. Getting what you want and living in that space as the new normal is in a way almost harder than being in tragedy and trauma because it is gentle and doesn’t require that much work. You just need to bask in the sun with some snacks in flip flops and a sarong versus slaying dragons broke and pissed in a tattered tunic.
We get to discover we want more, but we also don’t need to be scared or in a rush. Sometimes that first idea leads to an even better idea. Our biggest ideas are God’s smallest. The Universe, and all the people you can meet, and all the coincidences are there to work in your favor if you are willing to have the capacity to hold space for all that freaking abundance. When you have gone through your whole life “handling everything” versus basking in the splendor of living through incredible intimate experiences that are deserved and safe, you still have some old wiring that needs to be worked on.
I went to see my friend Charlene’s house she is building, in the back of her current house. This is complete bad assery, later in life building a whole new house. She is investing a lot in this project, but also putting in the tile she wants and the fireplace, and the tub. She isn’t half assing it. She met the love of her life, and they get to do this together. I am so encouraged and inspired at her new re-invention at 66. I am 54 and I have so much I still want to do but I also want to be free and happy. I have done so much worrying my whole life, and it’s been such a waste of time. Nothing gets done worrying. When we just see where the cards fall, and let other people hear what we want and need and surprise us, life is full of golden moments.
Yes, the assholes will be assholes, and the ass hats will still be ass hats, but because we are in such a positive place, they will barely stint our glow. Don’t let what other people do dim your light or silence your voice. Stop being ashamed of big feelings and a large heart. Stop letting how other people act ruin your day. If you are finally finding your place in the world living big, don’t fall back into self-preservation. Get out there, enjoy and get what you want.