I sat on the stool last night at my book signing and never have I felt so right in my skin. It only took 53 years. As I write this, I mourn for the girl who stood in front of audiences in the 90’s and introduced her movies, and felt like her skin was a crawling on the outside. No matter what I wore, what I drank, or how funny I was, I felt like I was never satisfied with myself. Why is it so hard for us to stand out in front of people and say, “This is who I am, and I am proud of myself.” Or to own stuff about ourselves without an apology. How many times have you added either a verbal “sorry” or a silent “sorry” to who you are? I don’t like apple fritters, okay? Stop asking? I floss a lot because I believe it is the root of good health. My choice. I don’t complain when the neighbors upstairs walk hard on the floor, because I can be loud on calls too. When I started to love all the parts of myself, the heated parts, the nutty parts, I could empathize and love others too. The loud annoying people. The takers, even. I could see them, understand they were operating on an agenda not aligned with mine, and peace out. But I no longer let them take my visibility away. Because I owned it first for me.
When we state who we are, other people want to change that to make themselves feel better. You can’t let them, because each time, you shrink back into a smaller part of yourself. You have to be okay with all of you to be visible. The parts that don’t matter. The lipstick crusting in the corner of your mouth or your continued incontinence in church. People look to others for confidence, but also to break them down and make themselves feel better. Hardly any of us are 100% confident. Iron Man is only a myth. We are out there trying to be rebels yet we are constantly afraid we will forget the script. Fuck the script. Throw it away. Be visible. Say who you are and what you want. Let the people who won’t support you fall away. They can go find someone else to drop their damage on.
Sound harsh? I am one of the nicest people I know. Truly I feel that about myself now five decades in. I have a lot of other nice people to hang out with. To find them I need to be visible. I no longer will hide in the shadows of shame of my past. I step into the light. You can step into the light. At my book signing last night, where I had musicians touch our hearts, and I spoke about my book No Longer Denying Sexual Abuse: Making The Choices That Can Change Your Life, and how many people need help from abuse, I had on make up, a nice outfit, hair extensions, I felt calm, collected, not nervous at all. I had command of the room because I finally have a cause I feel good about being visible with. Find your tribe. Find your triumph. And get visible.
And floss often.
If You Are Looking to do some writing:
In just three days I have had multiple people come to me and say, “Gosh, I don’t know why I can’t write the book. I stop, start, I think I need the perfect pen, I think I need the right journal. I have started dictating into my phone.” Of course, I am standing right there in front of them as a BOOK COACH and they are so blinded by their spin of what can’t be, they don’t see what can happen. If you are looking to do some real true writing, then get help. It is so hard to do it alone. No one does. Stop thinking you are smart enough to defeat writing and get smarter than it. As a professional in this space, I can tell you, we all need help. I have had writing mentors and coaches. I have been in writing groups. I have leaned on writing friends. Writing is not a figure it out process to do the writing. Yes, when it comes down to it, no one can write for you (well, I can but that is called ghost writing) but you can illicit help all along the way.
What I wish someone would create:
My brain is such mush from the book signing last night and I am going to be transparent that I am writing this column at 7:29 AM before I have to leave for church so I think what I would say is I always want some kind of Jetsons breakfast situation where the coffee comes out of a pre-poured mug, and the eggs are ready and I jump into the pod for the outfit. If you saw the Jetsons you know what I mean, but that also would mean our world has gone completely AI and that scares the shit out of me. I still want to pop my own cold seltzer can and walk barefoot in the grass. While automation may not take those things away, a daunting part of me wants to hold on to the old. Hence making my own coffee, eggs, getting dressed and writing this newsletter before I bolt out the door forgetting to brush my teeth.
Technology Tip:
Google analytics. If you don’t have it imbedded on your web sites, it is so easy to do. I did it myself (well a friend got me to the site and showed me how to load in my web site, but there are many videos on how to do it.) You can see where your engagement comes from and then focus on that audience. If you are like me and have zero time, then you need to really know where to shoot your arrows.
Shameless plug:
I want to plug all the local bookstores everywhere that support indie books and allow authors like me to have a platform. There are some out there that claim they are indie, and they don’t carry any indie books. I am not going to name them but when you go into one, look around and see if they have small press or local authors speaking. Village Well Books in Los Angeles is a gem and deserves to have books bought there all the time from everyone everywhere. They are true indie supporters.
If there are spelling errors in this column today forgive me. I wanted to get it out and be consistent, but I don’t even have my shoes on yet, they take forever to lace, the cat’s food machine didn’t go off and he’s looking at me like I stole his soul, and I need to get to church. I need God today. Well every day.
If no one told you today they love you, I love you.