Why I Have Panic Attacks When I am Happy...
And How Relieved I was Jumping Out of A Plane Doesn't Apply
I talk a lot about fear and the unknown. I am puzzled by the fears I have and don’t have. I almost want to equate my fearlessness in some areas to a sense of protection. I can turn off the fear, perhaps. But then I understand some aspects of who I am are relieved to not feel fear. For example, what a relief to sky dive and have no fear. Not one ounce. My boyfriend kept asking me weeks before the jump, “So you aren’t afraid at all?” “Nope,” was my reply and it wasn’t bravado or avoidance. Jumping out of a plane didn’t scare me at all, and frankly through the whole experience, including standing tandem on the small metal step before you freefall, I was smiling. When we plunged I was screaming in joy, and on the video at one point, I even do a little happy jig with my hands. When you have died a million little deaths inside, you build a resilience to that kind of fear. My deaths have been in many ways, through recovery from abuse, divorce, shared parenting, addiction, failed romantic relationships. I have watched parts of me die inside, and I have made it through to be stronger. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
People are dying around us every day. We are not dead, yet we live in fear. Of death? When we are dead, we are dead. What is more to fear? It is living that terrifies us… until you get to know and understand your fear and then you can make peace with it and let it teach you more about who you are. I am terrified of Knott’s Scary Farm at Halloween; an amusement park where for one night people are hired by the park to dress up and leap out at you from the smoke and darkness. After three hours of clowns blowing a horn in my face, and some goth girl barking at me suddenly from behind to being followed by some mangled angel, I needed out. My nervous system was on overdrive. I also attended a staged walk through a haunted theater and actually cried when I was cornered by some ghouls. The terror of what people are going to do to me is far worse than me jumping out of a plane attached to some guy who also wants to live till the afternoon.
My fears run deep and I have discovered lately that what causes my panic attacks is not fear of being hurt, but of being too happy. Yup. Too fucking happy. Makes no fucking sense, right? If I get too happy, some part of me trips up and thinks I am not good enough for that kind of happiness and I need to be cautious or stopped. Like I am going to mess something up with all my happiness. Usually it is in a scenario where I am with a loved one, and so happy, or accomplishing something new. My therapist for panic attacks says that it is because I am entering a new echelon of living. Soon that heightened level of happiness that brings me panic will be a new normal and I won’t feel that stress about happiness any more. I can’t wait for that day. A painful way to get to know yourself, but ultimately very eye opening. You are forced to fight back because you love to be happy.
Where is your current relationship to fear? What causes you the most anxiety and panic? Often it is conversely what can set you free. Explore, take risks, dive in. Jump out of a plane, or just feel extreme levels of happiness. We get to learn more about ourselves when we have an understanding of our fear.