I am acutely aware of the vast amount of communicating I do in my head versus the radical amount of communicating I could do to the people in my life. In fact, a part of me even believes that the thoughts in my head somehow have been said through osmosis to the people I care about. Nothing could be farther away from the truth because recently I said out loud how I felt and the look on that person’s face indicated to me, I had in fact not expressed these feelings in an intimate and vulnerable way until this moment. The look on their face showed their gratitude because they were now given the permission to say they felt the same, and also talk about the feelings. A dialogue alone in my head - a one way street where I won’t be disappointed - became a conversation of exploration and mutual understanding. Never have I felt so gratified and assured than this moment. The person also had the same relief. In expressing our shared true feelings, a wave of peace washed over us and we were set free from the overevaluating, diminishing and muting that the mind can do to make us safe.
Now of course that situation could have gone south and the person didn’t share in my feelings. We sometimes are sharing to dig for truths we already know, and in that case, the painful ending is something we are now pushing to orchestrate. In this situation, we are pulling ourselves out of denial and into the bright open spaces of truth. That person’s response is not in accordance to our feelings and now we must face the pain of knowing we must re-evaluate our course of action. Now we feel safe in a different way. We know the truth, and our only pain would be if we ignore and not act on it.
Eddie Murphy popped up on my IG feed the other day talking about how we have roughly 75 summers, winters, falls and springs on this earth. Well, now that I am 53 I have 30 if I am lucky, maybe 35. That hit me hard between the eyes. Only 30 seasons to be in the deepest place of joy, love and reverence that I can be? Suddenly every moment seemed so valuable and precious. Even if I said how I felt, and that situation went south, wouldn’t I be grateful I spoke my heart? I am not talking about over sharing in a way that makes another person feel bad, or shouting at someone in a harming way, or being demanding or imperial. I am talking about the gentle truths of the heart and the peaceful patient wave of love.
I feel very blessed that when I spoke my heart, I helped set someone I loved free. I had faith it would go that way, but one never knows. The human condition is so varied and nuanced. We can be prepared but we also should be inevitably surprised.
I spent most of my life with my words focused on what is wrong versus what is right. When I flipped the script, my life went into a new dimension. I wish I could say this happened five years ago, but honestly the change occurred only a year ago. I am a babe in the woods with this mentality of taking risks and leaps with love that vibrates on my level. I understand too that because I spent most of my life shouting out without listening to what’s in, I have a strong understanding of the difference. When we listen within, we can teach others who may be less inclined to share from their heart how to be open. No, I am hardly a Buddha on a mountain and in any moment I could easily swing from faith to fraught, but minding our actions, words and behavior from harm can fortify us to be available to share with love.
I mostly want humans to behave. I want us all to give money to the homeless, and pay our rent on time, and write love notes, and do errands for each other. I want us all to rub each other’s shoulders in a non-sexual way, and laugh when absurd occurrences happen and believe when we put our head on the pillow at night, we deserve to sleep. I want us to be okay with our bodies falling apart one minute, and feeling fantastic the next. To dive in the pool and to surf on the waves, and to stare at the sun. Time is passing. I feel this fact more now than I ever have, and I think I get the angriest now when I let someone else’s behavior trip me up and take away my serenity.
Our serenity is the most valuable commodity we have as humans. Not a great ass or the best shoes or a perfect holiday.
We can be in a lot to turmoil so we think that is the pain, because it is so obvious. But underneath that chaos is the indisputable fact that we are robbing ourselves of our gift of life. Of tranquility. Of peace. We drink away the pain and then hate ourselves for being an embarrassment. We cheat, or lie, or tell others we don’t think they are worthy of us, when we feel like we are the gum at the bottom of a shoe.
I have had a rough time in my life telling people how I feel. How I need to be treated. How I want to be loved. And then on top of it, surprised when they don’t read my mind. If we want to be loved a certain way, we have to communicate that desire to ourselves and then the people around us. If we don’t, we will find pain. Our own pain is in us. We get to be in pain or peace.
We are told don’t say “I love you first” or don’t compliment someone too much as you will seem weak, or don’t let people off the hook too long because you are a doormat. I want to be effusive, and trusting and open. I don’t want to issue warning letters and critical texts and put the hammer down. Sometimes when it comes to that, I feel pain. I wish there was another way. My serenity is breached for a moment in time.
Now the job at hand is to quickly get it back. I can do this in a couple of ways. I can take a walk in the sunshine. I can laugh at a comedy clip. I can call someone in worse shape than me and hear about their problems. I can write a gratitude list. I can push forward with love when I want to retreat with pain. We don’t know the answers to anything. We think we do. We don’t.
Isn’t that actually better?
Lean into the serenity. It’s yours.