Why Do We Always Say I Am Sorry as Women...
And How to Write New Language to Apologize when Necessary
I am working on my second book on permission for women, and this was a topic that came up which I had not thought of. Ironic considering since my daughter came home from her freshman year in college for Thanksgiving, she has said “I’m sorry” to me three times in ten hours.
“Sorry for what?” I asked.
“That I may have made you mad.”
I was perplexed. I thought we were debating the day we would spend Saturday and the errands we could fit in. When she suggested an errand in a part of the city that seemed to me impossible to squeeze in, she thought I was mad at her for the mere suggestion. Which is why she apologized. I tried to explain that we were debating, and she didn’t have to feel sorry for making a suggestion. I thought about my tone when I said, “No way, no thrift stores! We are too busy…” which might have made her feel shamed, but I thought we were in a back and forth. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were her: no car, no money, basically completely reliant (like so many women), and someone asked me what I wanted to do on Saturday. I would think, well, I want to go to a thrift store. Which is exactly what she did. But I expected with my constantly calendaring and time sequencing brain, that she would also think that way (like a 53 year old woman!) and take into consideration we had booked two vaccinations and and three other errands. Add in the fact that in too much of a shopping jag, I get downright annoyed. But she didn’t think that way because she is 18, and still working out vocabulary that doesn’t include the go to - “I’m sorry.”
She could have said to me, “Shoot, that’s a miscalculation.” Or, “You don’t have to get so testy!” But as women we learn to say we are sorry from such a young age. I have a whole chapter on this topic in my new book so I am not going to give it all away in this blog post, but when we don’t say we are sorry, we then get defiant and indignant which is also not the solution. When another person reacts to something you did, you get to access the situation versus an immediate sorry.
Here are situations where a sorry as a woman is relevant:
You stepped hard on someone’s toe and it hurt. OMG Sorry.
You forgot an errand that a person was waiting on. Sorry
You hurt the feelings of your friend or partner and know you had bad intent. Sorry times three.
Where you don’t say sorry as a woman:
When someone asks you to do anything you don’t want to do and you choose not to do it (I am not talking about job obligations or responsibilities but rather those situations against your moral compass.)
Getting clarification on an outcome, or proposed activity. You can ask as many damn questions as you please to get the peace in your heart.
Not wanting to go to an event, trip, or to engage in any kind of act that doesn’t sit well with you.
Pretty much anything that isn’t 1-3 where sorry is relevant.
Here is the issue. “Sorry” has taken the place of debate, conversation and overall communication. We just go to sorry without seeking answers which teaches us about ourselves and others. As women, when we say “Sorry” we try and deflect any further outlast coming our way. We are fearful of what will happen if we don’t cater to another’s power.
We have to stop saying “I am sorry,” and try new language until we re-wire ourselves. Instead of “I am sorry,” try, “It appears I may not have understood your request and if I may get clarification so I can make a better decision.” Something like that statement which would seem completely robotic should you try it now verbatim, but give it a whirl and see what happens. You as a woman will stop deferring to “Sorry” and discover you have a hell of a lot more to say.