I have a very strange relationship with exhaustion. Simply put, I get mad at being overtired, to the point where I would rather act like I am not exhausted than admit I probably need a full day to sleep. In fact, I can acknowledge to you now that I definitely do need to sleep, but my version of that is just moving slower and doing one task an hour instead of five which isn’t really a solution but a way of making the exhaustion less painful.
Here is what me exhausted looks like:
Definitely no bra and the same shirt under my hoodie that I wore to bed last night and probably the two nights before that.
Intermittent anger at the neighbor’s foot plods above, dinging emails and not being able to remember if I brushed my teeth this morning.
Missed a scheduled call with accountability partners (the irony!) who said it was okay I am exhausted and I should get some sleep which then tips me off to a vague remembrance they said that a lot when we were meeting weekly.
Having no care if I do a Face Time date, and simply saying “This is what I look like on Monday.”
Wishing I lived in a cabin by the woods with a hammock and soup to eat that is always warm on the wood burning stove.
I look up my daughter’s soccer schedule for tonight three times always reading the game time but then closing the window forgetting and having to go back again.
Fantasies about falling asleep while eating FroYo.
A general annoyance that I slept a full eight hours and still feel this way.
Almost passing out in a kind of vertigo moment when bending in the kitchen to replace the trash bag.
There is not enough caffeine in the world to make it better.
So why don’t you just go to bed, you ask, like the rest of us adjusted people reading this and wondering why we follow you when you are clearly clinically insane? Because I know when I am this overtired, it is not going to be served by a twenty minute nap or even a spa weekend. An exhaustion of this kind is caused by taking on a cumulative three weeks of concern over other people’s issues and problems, as well as getting up at 5:15 AM on Sunday to go to a 6 AM church service which will never ever happen again. I don’t care if that was when Christ rose. He can rise while I am sleeping and I can high five him around noon over scrambled eggs and bacon.
Sleep has always been something I never got enough of and was fine, but now that I am in mid life, in order to do all I want - exercise, create, be there for my kids, date, make money, write - I have to sleep a lot more. And I don’t love that idea because here is the thing… sleep kind of bores me. I know some people love to sleep. They can’t wait. They talk about it with adoration. Not me. I want to sleep then be done sleeping. Boom. Let’s go. Next. I got that six to eight hours done. So when exhaustion creeps into my living life I am like half mad, half sad. I feel blindsided by exhaustion. Like the alarm went off this morning and I didn’t go to bed late the night before, and I didn’t even watch pointless IG reels of celebrities at award events until 11 PM. I sprayed my pillow with lavender spray, and crashed. I am thinking now that when I am under the impression I am night night my subconscious mind is playing mental football in my brain and I am in actuality UP and I think I am asleep.
Which really pisses me off because I could have gotten up and worked on my next book proposal instead of some dream where my ex boyfriend from three years ago was a dragon slayer in Costco.
I don’t think what I have is chronic exhaustion at all. I know when it’s time to slow down but I would rather have a painful toe hang nail, or a weird inner ear zit than feel exhausted in the middle of a Monday. It’s just the worst and I don’t have any energy to make it better so I can just ride this misery out until it’s Tuesday.
What about you? How do you deal with exhaustion? Can you take care of it with sleep or are you one of those people who drink the perfect ginko elixir and never are tired. Well. Screw you. Don’t comment. (PS The bear looks like how I feel today.)
Everyone reaches a point of no return when it comes to mental and physical fatigue. Some people plow thru the threshold after a short break, while others linger longer and become sidetracked during recovery. I guess it depends on your level of conviction and given day to the tasks at hand. Can you afford to take your foot off the pedal and coast a bit or does your conscience plague you if you miss that deadline and you push harder. All a matter of choice depending how driven you are in daily life.
Love this post! I could totally relate 100%!