I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone. I mean, not alone alone, but my kids were away with their dad and my boyfriend was on a trip with his daughter. I was in a new configuration with Christmas, and had not thought through how alone I would be. I attended a beautiful church service Christmas Eve and then went to a party Christmas Day, as well as a movie that night… but everything felt off. I wanted family. I had the chance driving home in the dark alone on Christmas Day to realize that I wanted something different next year. I cried a little, and stated my intention out loud.
It turns out my boyfriend had the same intention, for us to not be apart next year, and even my ex husband was feeling post Christmas like he was lacking a relationship. When I told him I was not willing to be away from my kids all of Christmas next year, and maybe we could work out a way to all combine our holiday cheer, he seemed open to a new version of family. One that is not so split in two and bifurcated. I was never down with that whole Gwenyth Paltrow conscious uncoupling (divorce is ugly and unpleasant no matter how you want to try and spray paint it with glitter), but after a decent amount of time, a new version of family can be created when kids are older, and new partners come into the picture. No longer does it have to be a big fight of territory. Instead it can be a move towards unity and happiness.
As we walk into our 50s, we start to see how we are the next generation who our kids will look to for holiday time as their grandparents get too old to host. We also start to look at who we want to spend the rest of our lives with or whether we are good being on a solo journey. While I was very clear on this Christmas being not what I hoped for, the time of reflection was incredibly valuable. I was able to create a vision for next year and I wasn’t alone. I also gained an insight into my strength of being alone, and surviving it! I didn’t drink, or stay in bed the whole time. I continued to move through the world, even when it felt tenuous.
In order to know what you want and call it in, you are sometimes placed in a position to have to marinate in what you don’t want. You can be tender with yourself about your feelings. You can not have to leap to quick fixes, but just be in the awareness. You get to also know that while you may feel alone, you are always with yourself. Ultimately we have to be able to be one with ourselves to listen to the voices within, but there are also limits to our capacity to being alone. While I may admire the solidarity some people lean into, I know for me, I am driven by a good laugh with a friend, holding my lover’s hand, and being known and understood for my quirks. While we can “know ourselves,” we also want to be known by others.
I stepped into a new sense of self, and a renewal in some of the dark moments in the holidays, and ended the year in Joshua Tree with my boyfriend. We basked in our togetherness in the silence, and stated our dreams and desires for 2024. We spoke of our love for each other and also for our own selves. We called into the darkness at night, that was pontificated by stars searing the sky. We entered the new year with a sense of survival, as well as joy and expansion.
I don’t believe we can experience the depths of ourselves always with others. We need to have time to really be within. Those times come upon us sometimes in unexpected ways, and cause great stress and fear. Yet, when they are done, and time passes, we can see what we have surmounted and learned. We have a sense of belonging to self, and therefore are no longer tethered to a desperate longing that may have ruled us before.
We love but we also have our sense of peace.
As we go into 2024, don’t be afraid of the darkness. While it can whisper words that make you fear, ultimately within, you are reborn.