We can harbor such resentment. I heard this great phrase, “We drink the poison and expect them to die.” People do weird shit from a place of unbalanced emotional energy. People are not conscious of the actions their subconscious mind tells them to do. Especially young people who still have an open cerebral cortex. Plus their brains are numbed by swiping and the constant flicker of the picture on the phone.
My job as a woman in her 50’s is to practice getting over the little shit so I can be present for myself first and foremost. If that allows me bandwidth to them help someone who may need my attention then wonderful. Making a choice to be of service is one that I would like to do from my own inspiration and agency, not because I have to. Nobody should have to serve anyone unless you work at Chick Fila or Shake Shack and then it’s your job.
I don’t have any excuse if I let other people’s problems or opinions affect how I intend to live my day. I can let people hijack my day and my brain but I choose not to, and the way I do that is to pivot to one little thing I can do for myself. I am not saying that feels natural or easy. It can be like walking through mud knee deep. The brain grooves are so conditioned to tell us, “Sit here and ruminate until you figure that shit out.” Meanwhile, you could have learned a new chord on your guitar collecting dust in the corner, or gotten on Facebook Marketplace for that side table you want for your tea when you watch your favorite show at night.
We can listen. We can have empathy, but unless I am being invited into the conversation or asked for a solution, or the decision affects my livelihood, seconds after the dialogue is over, I have the goal to get quickly back to what was I doing for myself to enjoy my life.
Ha, not selfish. And if you thought that then you are part of the problem.
A selfish act needs to be defined. You make yourself dinner and you have two starving kids you neglect to feed. That’s not even selfish. That’s neglect and abuse. Your spouse makes you breakfast every Sunday and you don’t offer to do the dishes, that’s kind of lame, but I don’t know about selfish. What the hell does it mean to be selfish?
I have been told by many people in my family at various times (not my current partner thank God) that I have been selfish. I have been put in my place for expanding my horizons. For taking a hard road to make a better me. For inconveniencing people who did not want to be inconvenienced. I don’t want to hold on to that shit anymore. It’s in the past. But how I could hold on to it is if I let it permeate my present. Now I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if someone told me I was selfish. I would be like, “No I’m not” and I would go back to researching hot springs I want to visit this November.
I battle any belief that I don’t deserve to live a life for me by making sure that any small space of time that is mine is spent doing acts of kindness and love for myself, not ruminating on and evaluating the subtext of a conversation so I can go back after having a one sided argument in my brain and launch a full on grenade attack. We are built as women to survive and fight. It makes sense. When have we had a period of complete relaxed safety? Monsters like Epstein emerge and we think, oh God, young girls were being mauled and violated right under our nose and we didn’t know. We can’t let down our guard for a minute. And then we are in an administration that also is threatening to our livelihood.
In order to continue to be the power centers and thought leaders of these times as women who have matured enough to find our way into our late 30’s to our late 50’s, we have to take little moments to remind ourselves that we are in charge of our soul, our bodies, our history, our past and our present. We do that by grounding in at one moment of time into a solitary act of joy and happiness and kindness. I am not willing to take on the bad news of our world when I already feel ground into glass in my personal and professional life. When there is no more shreds to my humanity. Sure, you can say I should be a warrior and a leader despite the time suck that is the “sandwich generation” but it’s not something I am capable of with brain fog, anxiety, body aches and an occasional sense of malaise. The ONLY thing that pulls me out to be confident and sure I can take a stand to face this current world is when I do little things for myself.
To make room for those I have to get out of letting people have unpaid rent in my head. Someone made a comment, it set off a red flag, noted. Don’t ignore what you feel in your body and the knowledge of your life experiences. Unfortunately, we can know something is about to go down with a work situation or in our personal lives, but not the details and the timing, so we have to wait. Don’t wait all stressed out looking over your shoulder. It does no good. Wait by dancing in the street to that great Brandy song that makes you feel hot. Wait by touching the sand or grass with your toes. Wait by having a conversation with someone also shopping at a newsstand (we are rare birds!) Wait by admiring the wallpaper in the bathroom at that cool cafe and take a picture and consider putting it on a wall in your house (considering is enough… doing it is making more work.) Walk into a lighting store and admire the chandeliers and picture yourself in a gown like Marilyn Monroe in a foyer (I love saying that world - foyer - with a bougie accent.)
You get the point. We have tasks all day, we are thinking about the fastest and most effective way to make money, and do the commuting and the car pooling and the sex and loving so we don’t become dry old crusty mid life automatons. Shake it up - look at BDSM pictures. The web site of BDSM model and author Ariel Anderssen has some wonderful eye candy that depicts and explores sexual empowerment (trigger warning). Ride the rollercoaster. Surf the wave. Get naked in the middle of Wednesday and work at your desk, especially if you work at home. Enjoy dogs chasing balls on the beach. Fuck, whatever makes you smile and turns you on, do. Don’t think about it too long. The moment will be lost and swallowed by that we are supposed to be seeing coming and predicting as the mothers and daughters and friends and workers.
Just fuck it. Just fuck it all. I am tired of it all. But I am not hopeless. Tired enough to spend my time doing for me.
You almost have to be so tired you don’t really see any other way out before you realize the way you have been living before will kill you and people will act surprised.
Here are some pictures of what I have been doing lately that is fun:
All these experiences were unexpected joys that came from spontaneously wanting to engage in the world and not once in them did I allow the bullshit from my mind worrying about my security and future mess with them.
Where can you find delicious moments that will allow you to see you deserve to hold your space as a woman, mother, worker, daughter… in this world?
Drop it in comments below.