I have been struggling with a definitive mind. Let me open this up a bit and see if you can relate. A scenario is playing out one way. The conditions and experiences are known. My feeling about the situation is concrete. I don’t have any other concept of a different feeling. Then the event takes a turn which surprises me (and in hindsight amuses me because my life is a series of unexpected connections and signs.) Now enter this new element which attached to it are conditions. Whenever we add people into our scenarios, we alter the outcome like a science project. We are dealing with atoms and molecules in space and time so we actually shift the connectivity and cohesiveness of the prior experience. I first absorb how the new data affects the impact of the prior event but wanting to retain my enthusiasm and purity of intention, follow through. I land in a place that appears to be more aligned with the original intention until there is a new wrinkle which is usually a coincidence. Now I have a new emotional curve ball to manage and down the rabbit hole I go, overanalyzing (which is really doing a scan for emotional danger.) Since I am a survivor and hypervigilant, I need to evaluate possible emotional pitfalls that await me so I don’t get blindsided.
Then I have to do a bunch of writing, I listen to some Bible verse, attend a recovery meeting and listen to other women share about how they need to honor and understand their Inner Child so they don’t go cuckoo. Ahhh, I think, yes, this thinking, this data collecting, this wanting to have a black and white outcome for me, for my safety and benefit, is the sign of a scared underserved Inner Child. Back to the past I go wondering where would the scenario that unnerved me be mirrored in my childhood. This desire for something to be just mine. To not have to always consider others. To be told my happiness has conditions, and then to see proof of that in my adult life.
Happiness does not have conditions. We have conditions and limitations as adults based on unhealed wounds as our inner child. We then look at happiness as being fleeting and we try and take it away before someone else does. I will handle this before you screw me, and then we have cut ourselves off from the experience evolving in a new way that could be ultimately a whole new path of knowledge and intimacy. We want to be the adult who realizes at the end of the day, their instinct and intuition will prevail and the right path will reveal it self.
I wrote a prior post about walking the labyrinth with my boyfriend and then we discovered we could see a labyrinth from his balcony in downtown LA in a parking lot that we had never noticed before. We were staring at the labyrinth with its twists and turns. We get to take twists and turns in life and nothing is a straight line. The straight line is not the right line, or even the more exciting line. When we have lived a fair amount of life experiences we can only expect there to be a whole different time line of outcomes. The truth is if no one is harming you, abusing you or forcing you to do anything you don’t want to, you are a free agent of your happiness. God speed you get to ask yourself if the pros weigh the cons and then when they do, for Christ sakes, stay with the good. Getting pings of discomfort over a new experience is challenging especially if there is a pattern from childhood… but you get to heal that and move on.
We get to live in mutual experiences with people. When we do, there is more to understand, explore and discover, and the end all be all is not you losing out. We gain when we walk in mutuality. We live when we see both sides. We can thrive when we want to seek information about the new scenario. We get to in the same minute understand and disagree.