What Permission Can Look Like for Women of Color and the Irony of being a Generator

Listening to the Caroline Rose leaked album - The Year of the Slug as I write. She refuses to get on Spotify.

My passion for Permission blindsided me over a year ago. I had returned from a writing retreat in Collioure, France with authors Karen Karbo and Lidia Yukivitch, and I was not feeling the memoir about buying a house solo in South Central LA I had workshopped with them. Instead, a word came into my mind on the plane. Permission.

I came home and pounded out a self help book, sat back and went, wait, what?

Who am I to be an expert on Permission? It was kind of a mind trip. My partner reminded me recently that I re-wrote each chapter on a legal pad so I could be crystal clear this was an alignment for me. You would think I was taking notes on a murder case. I was diligent.

I evaluated how I had been living my life. I had gone from stamping down a budding cauldron of feelings and pushing on in the cycle of permission-less confusion and self-judgement to living in an open playful space with feel- good energy. As an identified “manifesting generator” (comprising 70% of the population who are divinely designed to align their creative energy towards what "lights them up" and gives them joy. Generators are 37%, MGs are 33%.), I have always ran myself ragged through the exhaustive check list of: Why am I so overly emotional? Hormonal. Too demanding. Too overtired. Too overstressed. Expectations in overload.

A short list of the longer check list we put ourselves through as women universally thinking if we acted better, got our shit together, and were stronger (based on societal conditioning,) life would be more permissible.

I was in the too much, and not realizing I was way more than enough in a very good way, and then some.

So are you. Feel that in your bones. There is zero wrong with you. Stop making lists. Feel your anger. Be tired. Don’t organize the towel closet or cut branches off trees. Take a nap then wake up and give a “hell yeah” to the mirror. Spend your time and energy narrowing down what you are avoiding for yourself. Then move towards more open space to find a deeper solution.

My dear friend Stephanie Zhong, a brand storyteller and Human Design coach, shares her perspective with me here. “Capitalism has conditioned us to believe that our value as women is based on our productivity, output, and what we do. Working hard is perceived as a badge of honor, and we've been taught to believe that success doesn't count unless you've struggled and hustled. Human Design reveals that our bodies are designed to actually work better when we give ourselves permission to rest, pursue joy, and doing more of what we love. Generators in particular, have packed calendars and overcommitments because everyone recognized them as capable, and women struggle more with saying no. It sounds counterintuitive that you'll manifest opportunities better as a Generator when you create white space in your calendars just for joy. Ironically, when you give yourself permission to create room for joy, the universe can now partner with you to lead you towards fulfillment, balance and meaningful success."

She points out this is even more important for women of color, like herself, and especially Black women, who continue to face racism and sexism in the workplace. "Capitalism has set up a culture that has disassociated us from our bodies. Hustle and struggle isn't sustainable, and deep down we know it. Our bodies want to operate in natural flow to how each of us is uniquely designed, not squeezed into a mold of labor society dictates to us. Aligning to how we're designed to work sets us up for sustainable success and prevents burnout."

Her antidote for women? "Be enlighteningly selfish, as my mentors (Dana Stiles and Shayna Cornelius would say). This means if you're a Generator or Manifesting Generator who struggles with overcommitting and being constantly busy to make white space in your calendar just for joy. When you are experiencing excitement and joy, you naturally create more energy on a quantum physics level, for people around you to use. Your joy literally powers up others. Notice what happens to your energy and what opportunities suddenly open up for you."

We need to step off the Generator escalator and step into the glorious creative unknown of open space. Everything divine (and financially and creatively lucrative) that has come to me is when I am in a juicy from-the-heart/in the body collaboration space has been either a 100% yes or a 100% no. Little to no vacillation over the options. Little to no overthinking or doubt. Zero “What will they think of me,” or “What if I fuck up?” I tell my mind with confidence, “I understand the agenda, now shut up and let the body take over.” I spent up until my 40’s completely disassociated from my body due to past trauma, and conditioning, and that was not okay. I went through a bumpy re-claiming of self - most of you know what I mean, you have watched your life through a haze of tears - to understand the meaning of a divine hit.

Listen to yourself, not the committee. Tell them “Adjourned” and send them home.

In building this platform and developing my book on Permission, Give Yourself Permission, I am tasked to ensure the reader knows that I know that I am a white woman. Taking these steps to better my life has come, despite some Big T trauma, with a societal privilege I know is not afforded to most women of color. My experience with micro aggressions was #MeToo but not a day to day barrage of marginalization, worth proving and minimizing that is faced by women of color. To say we are in charge of our own happiness is easier as a woman born a gender she identifies with, and a white woman at that from Rhode Island of all places (hello white-ness.) Never mind asking for permission in a time of a pervading state of fear, like a real fear, in this new political regime. With a Permission brand to be successful in its universality, women will be letting go of their own personal histories in their own race and body to get to where they stop giving six fucks what anyone thinks about them and just do their thing without thinking it through for six days after.

We can acknowledge the marginalization, the expectation, the disappointment, and the rage for women of color, and women who have fought to become women, and then understand collectively as women, we have ALL been severely marginalized. We have clawed from a Boomer generation that put on pants and sent us off in the world telling us we could do anything, be anything, but gave us no permission to be our authentic selves. We can all band together for the common cause that anyone who is a woman, or who identifies as a woman, is ready and ripe to give themselves more permission in their lives.

In 2016, I went to the now defunct Annenberg Space for Photography to see an exhibition on famous or notable transgender people. I brought my transgender friend Jill and my young daughters. Fresh to her journey to transition, we supported her witnessing that she was surrounded by strength and possibility. She shed a tear, and we held space. Today she is a well respected yoga instructor and confident in who she has transitioned to be. I am praying for her safety and when I went to her yoga class last night, understood that despite what she is up against legally in this country, she stands in the permission to keep being the bold woman she identifies as.

Permission is knowing you need to have a conversation about a topic meaningful to you, and in the process of getting to that space, not grabbing onto any thought floating by and chewing it until it is pulp. We are on the defense, convinced how hard we have to fight to get what we want. We have conversations with the people who are not there, and make assumptions. We are tense and worried because we have experienced our whole lives as women the big fight for needs to be met and our uniqueness to be heard. The problem is, we fight people who are on our side, and want to make us happy. We fight ourselves and our own personal belief systems. We miss the hand that is being held out from our supporters. When we are on OUR own sides, in the quiet space of private contemplation, all that we want and need comes to us abundantly. I believe that.

My younger daughter is struggling to be great again in track. She has had a tough year overall. I texted her, “Don’t be discouraged by what you see now, it’s temporary.” I believe that to be the truth because she is an old soul and a Buddha within. She knows when she gives herself permission, she will run with the wind. She doesn’t beat herself up, or overdo it, to prove some milestone for others. She heals, waits, sleeps, expands, and processes her disappointment. I learn so much from her.

When a toddler says “No,” they mean no. When we feel sad, or restless, or need to talk something over, and express with our voice in the moment, it doesn’t build to a ferocious roar that we blame on over caffeination or under medication. We get to feel what we feel when we feel it, express it and move the fuck on to solution. When we are in anger and frustration we look for the clues of where we are holding ourselves back and not fully stepping into our bodies and ourselves. For some of us, this is to fight for basic rights. For others, where you are not going for your biggest and boldest life.

All of us can be in a form of happiness. Happiness grows happiness and joy brings a wealthy life. You can know who you are without apology or explanation. You have the right to go out in the world and trust yourself, and your path.

We can move mountains as women from that space.

PERMISSION QUESTION:

If you are a woman of color reading this column, can you please share where you struggle with permission or have succeeded in stepping into a powerful space?

Here are some Path to Permission suggestions too:

Dropping away from a stacked calendar and allowing time to be dictated by your body is magical. Try it for a few days and see how your brain chemistry changes. Check out my column on my Big Sur Trip where there was not only no internet or phone service, but we decided to not know what time it was for three days. My partner and I rose when awake, slept when tired, and ate when hungry. What a novel idea!

If that feels too extreme, drop away from your phone - Check out this column from my roadtrip to Arizona with no technology or pre-booked hotels.

I am holding a PERMISSION EVENT! Give Yourself Permission: Overcoming Conditioning That Holds Us Back from Our Divine Power.

This is more than just an event. I am building a collective community of women having the challenging conversations we can’t have together out into the world because there is so much noise all around us. In this quiet, intimate space, I ask a panel of four women their thoughts on accepting their past, dealing with the concept of failure, celebrating wins, and what every else organically arises through their personal stories. Tickets are only $10.

I am also excited to roll out my brand spanking new service - The Book Roadmap Intensive. This book deep dive focuses on a large part of the pain point for my clients: where to start and how to get the mental clutter out of their heads and into an outline. Check out the link above and if you are a thought leader, visionary and/or business owner with an expertise that wants a voice to many through your book, set up a thirty minute call!

If you had a satisfying experience with this column, hit the❤️ button below. If you know there are women out there seeking a deeper relationship with permission in their life, restack by hitting the 🔄️ button. We can neglect asking for our work to be recognized and shared as women. We write deeply from our hearts and experiences, and then we neglect simple asks for wider distribution to reach those who need our wise wisdom and raw truths.