I did a bold thing. I entered the National Book Award. Yup. That shinny circle award you see on only the best books when you browse Barnes and Noble. What was I thinking when little ol’ me entered my book on recovering from sexual abuse? Not much to be honest, because the voice came like a whisper on an average Tuesday. Enter the National Book Award. I was like, what? So I did a little research so I didn’t think I was just hearing crazy voices, and I discovered to enter you need a traditional publisher. Greatest thing is I have a traditional publisher so that in itself was a shoo in for wanting to enter. It was also only $135 and they give you a list of five judges around the country to send your book to.
Just the mere idea alone of sending my book on how you can live a life making better choices after you recover from a past of abuse to judges for the National Book Award was so tickling and enjoyable, I didn’t think much about whether I would even get picked. I viewed my entry as a collective push for the voiceless all over the world of abuse and how more books on abuse and recovering from abuse should be more public in bookstores. They are very hidden, almost in the “shame” section, and what a great way to have a book on abuse be seen out of the noise of the marketplace than being picked for the non-fiction long list for the National Book Awards. When my friend Katie wrote me a card letting me know the writing of my book surprised her - “how I dove down into the roots of my experience”- I thought for half a moment I could have a shot. But then I pushed it away. I couldn’t bear to build up to the disappointment.
I tracked each book package to be sure it arrived for the judges, and one of the locations in NYC was not showing it had been properly delivered so I got a little paranoid and had my publisher email the awards office. They said, send a second one. So I did, and that one seemed to get into the same situation but I was told the judge knew it was coming and to look out for it. I decided not to think about it much more. The Universe would either get the books there and read, and even if I never even came close to a book award, I had said proudly, my book is worthy just by the act of going to the post office (which in itself is a act of patience) and mailing them. I was cool as a cucumber, unaffected. I had already done the action by applying, and no more needed to be done.
Until one day last week…
I got an email that the award ceremony in November would be hosted by Oprah and Drew Barrymore. You would have to live under a rock to not know how outspoken Oprah has been about her abuse and how it affected her whole life. What she has surmounted despite her history. And of course Drew Barrymore has come from cocaine addition as a child star, and now talks in public about her sobriety as well as her fear of facing her abuse. I could not have asked for two better hosts who would see the book as vital to the world. But that would be if I even believed it would be picked… which I didn’t. So now I was really really sad because I felt like the Universe was taunting me in some way but I also knew there was a message in there and I needed to stop crying and see it.
So I talked to my wise friend Gale West who asked me why I was going to disappointment? She said the book is already in the energy of the collective and has its own purpose. She said I was simply putting the book where it asked to go. It had nothing to do with whether I would be disappointed or not because the direction of the book was in motion. I was a messenger of the book and I gave it the power to go forth out into the world. I loved this position. I don’t have to think I will or won’t get on the list. I can know the book is going where it should go, and let go of the results and the expectations. I can still stand in the power that it would be amazing, and mind blowing if Oprah held my book. I went through a lot of pain and work to write that book to help others. I sure wouldn’t mind it being read by people!
The signs appear to tell us we are on the right path. Don’t be scared of the power of the message. If you have a big goal as an author, and you see it there before you, go for it but remember the obvious outcome may not be the right ultimate outcome for the book. One of the judges, or even just someone who won my Good Reads contest could post about the book and it could suddenly go viral. Or it is a slow burn and in two years there is another opportunity to try and put out the book in a bigger way. This push said I give a shit about my book, the message and me as a writer.
The book is energy. You are the catalyst with your story. Trust the path.