I sat here with the blinking prompt for a while. What needs to be said? I have a range of ideas always for this column when I sit down to write. I sort through them like mental index cards - why I can’t be more chill and teach my 17 year old how to drive, (I don’t want to die), or why people who are unkind to us think its okay to try to contact us again (see definition of narcissist in Websters or just go to Tik Tok for the answer). In-between these thoughts that ultimately are about my grappling with control and surrender, I wonder whether the roast beef I bought in the supermarket will be consumed in the 4 day window, and if not, how long will I go eating it, skirting the edge of food poisoning. That is about how daring I am these days, with a slight borderline edge of self-harm (with roast beef? Sure, why not.) The point I am making has nothing to do with luncheon meat or driving school but how much noise we fill our brains with over constant contemplation of crap that kind of means nothing in order to feel safe in the human condition. It’s a miracle an intuitive God-led thought gets into my mind, squeezing its way through the rocky cranium within all the senseless noise chatter. I am assuming these thought miracles are assisted by every angel I have ever prayed to and the even more resilient ancestors.
Stillness and silence are under appreciated and non-commodified resources that are free and so lovely when you can slow the fuck down and stop returning cat hammocks to Amazon and transferring strawberries from one basket to the other in the supermarket to get your rightful allotment. Control of the quantities and qualities of life keep us from opening up the deepest parts of our subconscious to access all the bigger dreams and possibilities. When I have a facilitator, I am such a guru of contemplative manifesting silence. Sound bowls, self-hypnosis, inspiration cards, soul mate activations… when I am led, I have the big OMG in the sky. THAT! I think! But when I am alone, with all my power to visualize and transform my mind and body to a place I want to be, in the now, in the present, like it’s already here… I instead connect my Stripe account for my bookkeeper and download a washing machine app. Why do we do this?
Because in the silence there is a lot of feelings, pain, shame and complete free fall into self. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me weepy. I want it, but I don’t want it. I look at the chair over there and know its the 18 carat gold to go sit in that seat quietly for ten minutes and just be with my mind and my self. Okay, I am going to go do it. You too. I am going to report back what happens. Hold on.
Okay so I made it five minutes in my nice chair by the window in my Jessica Simpson faux fuzzy slippers and thrift store sweater and I thought mostly about how angry I still am at the vet I went to for 9 years who sold his business to a corporation that now runs the services like a car dealership with the vets as salesmen to offer x-rays and ultrasounds to rack up the costs. So not a lot of meditative tapping into the feelings or the subconscious in those waning minutes but I did think how nice it was to just sit there, and who is telling me I can’t just sit and be anyway. In fact, I can sit whenever I want, for how long I want. I mean, what a delicious personal triumph to just hold space for oneself. I’m kind of thinking it could get addictive. The just sitting and being. I may get bored and get distracted by where I could sell old shoes or worry I didn’t completely change my address when I moved with everyone who needed to know but I would still be making the effort in a silent space. Is silence enough? Or do I need menusha to make me feel in control and out of the stillness?
Today I found out there were fire drill tests in my condo building so that is adding to the silence angst. I felt extremely concerned about this invasion of noise, considering it would be happening in a full day of coaching calls. I tried to get information from the front desk. Would the fire drills be long? Loud? I got blanket responses. I don’t know. They just do their thing. This ambivalence of noise intrusion concerned me, so after I dropped the kids at school, I went to the local bookstore which is hit or miss with the people who set up offices there and have no respect for the fact that it is a quiet cafe where people want to write. Today was that day Mary “set up my whole operation loudly” was in the cafe, and completely inconsiderately went through a whole Zoom call with no consideration for sound travel. No one else was saying anything except complaining amongst ourselves (people are way more polite than me…), so I decided I was feeling too much ire to handle myself diplomatically, so I left. Now I am back at my desk, powerless to the fire drills, and figure if they happen on a call, I’ll just lock myself in the bathroom. Locking the door means nothing to sound, but that’s how dramatic I feel about wanting silence.
How do you have a relationship to silence and stillness. Look this column sounds like it is about me, but it’s truly about you, so speak up. Yeah, I like that kind of noise.
Why I Write:
I would be downright grumpy if I didn’t write. You know those games we play when we are kids.. if you could eat one last food before the world ended, what would it be? I would always think long and hard. Such a decision. Is it pizza? Chocolate chip cookie dough? Now I know what my answer would be…screw food when the planet is ending. I would want a notebook and I would furiously start writing. I would write all the words I didn’t yet say, in all the tones that I dabbled in, and I would be funny and sad, and I would just let it all rip on the page. Writing is my sustenance. It is my food. It feeds me. Even when I neglect it like a writing diet, I have to come back because I understand it does me no harm. When my writing is rejected by a critic, that’s on them. Sticks and stones. Nothing can take away what feeds me.
What Works in the World:
We are always talking about what isn’t working. The country’s government. The rail system. The postal system. The food distribution system. The gas system. The health care system. There apparently are no working systems in this country and the ones that are cost increasing amounts of money. I can’t help but feel a pressing in my chest that our whole country is on the verge of collapse. But I am not a hysterical person. I am an inherently positive person. Yet, I am looking to find a system that is working and all I can come up with is Amazon and that is run by a tyrannical sweat shop owner in Pierre Cardin so… holy shit. What a depressing post. Sorry about that.
Technology Tip:
Do you care about the technology tip? Would you rather just hear me write on and on about something that happened in my life, that could have happened in your life so we feel a kind of kinship in a wild world?
Shameless Plug:
I want to plug some books I am enjoying (code for fan girling). I picked up Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby and she is hysterical, insightful and full of wondrous candor. If you want to hear the very ideas that sit in your head on the page, join me in reading this gem. Why Fish Don’t Exist by Lulu Miller was recommended to me because its part memoir, part autobiography, part scientific wonder, and I was like, that’s freaking cool! I wish I could plug the nine other books on my side table but I can’t seem to get to reading them because I start reading at 9 PM and that is a joke because I am asleep by 9:07.
We all want to relish our "quiet time" that is supposed to be restorative and where we can sort out our thoughts to cull and prioritize them. Unfortunately human nature makes us focus on negativity (apparently a trait held over from ancient ancestors' survival instinct) instead of positivity we should nurture. Having a "positivity account" ledger helps to record positive events experienced during a day, whether it is noting a huge project finished on time or seeing a double rainbow (both rare occurences it seems). Whatever you captured in that moment of time is then deposited into your "positivity account" for future reference when you need to make a "withdrawal" to offset a negative ongoing thought, event, or experience. We need to break away from a protective "cocoon" mentality that really offers only two basic choices: remain in darkness and eventually wither away OR gradually evolve and allow the metamorphosis to transfer into a butterfly that will break out into the light and spread its wings to take flight or be a phoenix rising from the ashes of the past (you can choose your own metaphor here). The point is we have to let go of the past in order to make the future happen (LIG 2 MIH). Easier said than done, YES. Impossible, NO.
I really enjoyed, and related to much of what you have shared in this post. How we shy and run away from silence is an ongoing inquiry- and the dramatic effects silence, prayer, and contemplation can yield if we have the courage to face the window, in a chair by ourselves and with our thoughts. By how very hard it is! Blessings- thank you for your words.