Yesterday I described myself as competitive and addictive.
While years ago, this would have been an act of self-shaming, in this case, the comment just rolled off my tongue in such as way I understood I was owning these parts of myself… as a positive component of my make-up. I don’t take life on with a fire starter anymore, or snort copious amounts of cocaine, but I can be comedically self deprecating about these elements that make me me.
The setting of this verbal self-portrait was the pool in the condo. My 13 year old and I have been hitting the sauna and then racing to the pool and jumping in at 8 AM. It’s like a poor man’s cold plunge. Plus, with the kids home all summer, you get creative in how to spend family time. After we did our jump in, and swam a few laps, she challenged me to a “push off the wall and see who can go farther” contest. You know, an innocuous contest that has no meaning on your athletic acumen. The context is exactly how it sounds. Random and moderately talentless. First, we established some ground rules like in the final float of the push off no adding distance with little finger or toe swooshes underwater (which I said laughing but serious… remember, I am competitive) and whether you can use your arms underwater to make one pull forward or have to remain in an arms straight missile seeking position. Then we alternated in our turns. I won each time. No clue why because I usually lose everything against my 13 year old including Scrabble, so I was pretty happy I was winning this absolutely skill less game. I kept saying, let’s do it one more time. I wanted to beat my own odds.
“Mom, didn’t you say you have to get to a work call?” my 13 year old said, eyeing the pool clock.
“Okay, one more,” I said. “Because you are right, I am competitive and addictive so this could go on all morning.”
And right as I said it, I knew for it to be true and perfectly okay. I don’t hurt people or myself anymore, I just know these aspects of myself and can watch how they come up (in random pool games.)
What do you know about yourself that used to be a real problem in your character that you could now own with a smile, and consider a real part of who you are? We get to pass on these attributes to our kids or people we mentor. It’s perfectly okay to be competitive as long as you understand we live in a human world and kindness is key. Or you may not be able to stop eating the whole row of Girl Scout cookies today, but maybe you could try to not do so tomorrow since you feel like hurling.
I didn’t know I was competitive until I started to play poker. I play with a group of ladies one Friday a month, and for a while, till we understood the game, we just played with chips we didn’t buy. We were all so sweet to each other. If someone ran out of chips, we lent them ours. There were hugs and hell yeah’s and lots of woman empowerment. Then we started playing for cash (which I pushed for, naturally) and the bar came down on sharing and caring. Of course we had fun, but I suddenly was the big risk taker and the great bluffer (let’s be honest, the buy in for the whole night is $25 so when I say risk, I am not in big boy poker pants). I did enjoy bluffing and driving up the pot. Even if at the end of the day if someone else’s bluff beat me with a higher card, I had glee in getting the game to that next level of tension.
A friend told me I was competitive once and I didn’t believe her. I am one for all and all for one. I am a giver and less of a receiver. How could I be ready to plow you down for the win? But being competitive can be positive, especially when you are bidding on a property in real estate or entering a contest with others you believe are at your caliber if not better. Where it gets ugly is what lengths you are willing to go to win. If those are underhanded and illegal, you just crossed the line into asshole land.
Addictive is one that can be challenging to spin positively but my new take is I am passionate and I love a lot and deeply. If I want to be with you all the time, then you must be pretty damn special because I have a lot going on and not huge amounts of time. So I am addicted to your awesomeness. I don’t say that in an entitled way, and I am not just about sunshine and roses. I sure like people who have had their share of trauma. I also have a problem late at night with IG reels, and I love to read about celebrity weddings and divorces, but addicted? I can definitely pull away. Here is how you know you are addicted to something you are doing (and I don’t mean drugs, alcohol, sex or overeating… you should seek 12 step or professional help for those issues… I know I have) - you glaze over. You are just swept up. Like, you just love it so much you are addicted but it doesn’t derail your life. Here’s some of mine:
-A banging music mix made for me by someone who cares about me.
-Snuggling on the couch with my kids watching a TV show.
-Fabuloso Lavender cleaning product.
-Knock off M&M candies in the bulk bin.
-Picking at my cuticles when I am anxious.
- Saje Liquid Sunshine oil that when I smell it I could climb in the bottle.
So lots of senses in my list. Smell, sound, taste, touch… it’s our senses that activate a lot of who we are.
The next time you describe yourself, listen to how it comes out of your mouth. Are you still shaming yourself or have you learned to step up and just be who you are?
Shameless Plug: (again, on the theme of being shame free - I like promoting other people and their cool shit)
I don’t get kick backs from these plugs. No, I am not dating their brother, nor am I paying off some gambling debt from ladies’ poker night (ha ha ha… on $25). I simply like the offer for my reader base and got a great vibe from the person who is offering the class or product.
Plus, my jam is women supporting women in the expansion and definition of our voices. It’s how I have honestly found my way for the last ten years as a book coach, mom and writer. So when Emily Shain From Fearless Communicators explained in a call this week how her business helps people tell stories from a heart-centered place on the stage, I wanted to help spread the word about her next free workshop: "STORIES THAT STICK: Learn Top Techniques to Make Your Business Story Pop!" Here's a little blurb about the workshop:
If you've been curious about…
How to tell the story of your business in a way that makes people lean in, care, and BUY from you...
How to make public speaking a less stressful, more fun experience...
What it’s like to work with Fearless Communicators...
It is on July 25 12-1pm ET. Register here.