When I got divorced for the first time, I didn’t really analyze the whole unrequited love theme in my life. I had been with him for ten years, and it was time to move on. He was a lovely guy, who quickly found a nice girl who loved to dress our Australian Shepard in baby doll clothes. While any ending of a long duration of time (my whole 20s) is sad, I didn’t cry about it unless I was inebriated with that friend who always had too much ecstasy, and within a couple months post-divorce (done in a diner from a DIY worksheet), I moved on. But when my second marriage ended in my 40s, I stared one day at the imagery on my wall. I had a poster of Dr. Zhivago and It Happened One Night. These are the movies I frame in my bedroom, I thought? I mean, even Dirty Dancing they don't stay together but they at least don’t play games and are clear with their longing. Dr. Zhivago, on the other hand, ends very badly with poor Omar seeing Lara after the war but has a heart attack before he can reach her, and in One Night, Claudette Colbert almost marries someone else for Christ’s sake. (If I just blew the ending for you on Dr. Zhivago, well, at this point everyone in the free world should have seen it so I am not sorry and shame on you for not seeing one of the most epic films in history.)
I took the movie pictures down for over a decade. I thought they were relationship voodoo, but it didn’t matter. I had seven relationships to nowhere (although kind friends with the best intentions said they saw my growth in each one…) I moved recently and put the pictures back up. Getting right sized about romantic love is an inside job, not what I hang in my house. Yes I believe in visualization, but then I am told by the love vision people to not be shallow and imagine someone hot… instead I have to imagine my soul mate is some kind of purple energy orb. Which makes it challenging to believe you will meet “the one” as an energy orb (not with six pack abs) in Whole Foods at the hummus cooler. Can I even want to date someone with a six pack when I have menopausal bloat and a new obsession with the snack bins at Sprouts? Double chocolate peanut clusters anyone? Maybe I will meet the one hiding in the always empty soup aisle while I eat three dollars of bin chocolate before proceeding to check out.
If you can’t seem to find the one, from my viewpoint, it comes down to an examination of longing and payoffs. Unrequited love (AKA dating someone who will definitely leave you) gives some kind of hit of drama, while someone you meet who is calm and peaceful and reliable, threatens a life time of TV remote small talk. When going after people who are not available, or not your person (and you know it in the first minute but you date six months), you are buying into someone will leave, and you get to return to the longing. The longing for love, which is masking the deeper desire to stop the longing and get off the damn dating apps already.
All this to say I am back on Bumble after four years. It’s amazing how it’s exactly the same but I am different. I’ve had a few eye opening relationships, but I also have spent loads more time with me. So on Bumble, I'm trying to be civil but it's hard. First of all, it’s free. So how invested are any of us, really? We can’t all pony up $249 a year to meet the loves of our life? And on Bumble, they are always pushing you to upgrade these stupid coins. Upgrade to what? I know they get people totally desperate on a Friday night who are like, why the fuck not? It’s like when the video game at the arcade ends and you have thirty seconds to put coins in or you have to start again. It’s an “I don’t want to start again” mentality. Just upgrade me please. Who are we upgrading to? I guess I get to see all the guys who like me who are currently hidden behind a circle that looks like someone swiped by with their nose grease.
Then there are the profiles. I so want to be honest, and funny and real but there is not enough space to write what you want and if you do, what are the odds the guys you are swiping are the ones even reading? I made a misstep yesterday where a guy suggested we get together this weekend. After we established our alternate custody schedules with our kids (sooo hot), I thought we had a familiarity, so I told him my whole weekend calendar. I looked later and was like, why would this guy care? What am I, his wife? He went silent. I don’t blame him. So I gotta pull back on the oversharing poker night with the ladies or going to church? But then again, why? Fuck him. I plotted to unmatch with him, but then I thought, what if his grandmother died? What if he has a good reason for going silent? Don’t even get me started about the guy who broke off a date five years ago because of a family crisis only for me to read in the paper his mom shot his dad dead. For real, for real. Holy shit, what am I doing on Bumble.
It’s not like I told the ghosting weekend hopeful date I was getting my vag waxed or detailed how I was installing a Ring doorbell. Either way, he was poof. And here is the truly hysterical part about it. I didn’t even like him that much. I kind of liked his face, but he had three kids, and one in another country which I silently judged, and he said “Let’s get silly” which matched my love vision board I did with my friend Melanie. But when I gave him my number, the longing began and that’s a bitch to stop. It takes over your brain (okay it does mine…).
So I keep swiping and I try and read the guys’ profiles but I am trying to come from a higher energetic exchange place. Because someone may have written it for them. One guy called on line dating a "dumpster fire" in his profile. I had to message him. Another dude asked for women to have clean breath and a job. While understandable, I am not reaching out to him. I honestly just want to meet new people who are single, even though I have a pretty full social life, and hardly get enough alone time as it is. That’s what I tell myself. Pretty much at this point looking for someone who can keep up with me and inspire me at the same time. But I am still looking for "the one," yet with less of any kind of urgency but rather laser focus on the vision and intention. Again, need to put that on post it on the wall.
I also strive to look less like my laundry basket dressed me when I go out to run errands so I increase my odds of being flirted with while also hoping someone thinks three day old sweats are cute (long shot - it is LA). I’m just tired and it's all in God's timing anyway. Right? Right???
Plus dating in menopause is a new challenge. Let's be honest, there are some new factors like one minute being super happy and the next sobbing spontaneously because of a really inappropriately placed hot flash. And symptoms of menopause mirror pregnancy which is hysterical to contemplate but who wants to be buying a pregnancy test in Rite Aid at 53??? So I guess more to love, or laugh at, and definitely need to date in places with easy access to bathrooms because the days of a pelvic floor are waning and I can't get more than one hundred feet shortly after a coffee without needing to pee. My teen daughter -"Didn't you JUST pee?"
I want my door opened for me, but I also want to swear like a sailor. Hmmm. maybe I should add that to the profile!
Why I Write:
Writing for me is like breathing. If I don’t do it, then I seriously will shrivel up and die. I need water but I need writing. Which is why this column will now be three times a week. Monday, Friday and Sunday. I also plan to write shorter pieces (plan… not a guarantee). If that is too much for you, head into the About section of this column and see my new updated philosophy on the why and how of this content. I make a good sell for myself. If not, unsubscribe. Or direct the column to a family enemy. I will seriously be sad to see you leave especially when we have a lot of pontificating and laughing to do this year.
What Has Confounded Me This Week:
Bumble? Have I not made that crystal clear?
Yes, entering the dating scene and pool at the mid-life stage is daunting, like being lost in the wilderness with a basic map, but no sense of direction to go other than follow the sun. Speaking of swiping, why is it that women say that they want a man that is an open communicator who shares his feelings and thoughts, yet when you do that in a profile or sending an email, chances are most women don't know what to do with you and then don't reply?? Is that really fair after making an effort to be open and honest about who you are?? I guess the old saying is still true "All is fair in love and war!" or at least in the pursuit there of. At the end of the day, we just want to find someone to connect wth that makes an effort to communicate and like us for who we are and represent, not who we should be in someone else's imagery. Maybe that is a pipe dream, but still worth embracing if you believe it.
I liked that a lot and you deserve the best !