I Give You Permission to Use The Word Contribution...
And why we shy away from claiming achievements
The title of this column portrays it as one of those goal setting personal development posts that you may find on Linked In that is just smoke and mirrors to enroll clients in products and services. I really don’t want to write those kinds of posts, because I am too quirky and not linear to make any kind of sense or system on how to find ultimate happiness in achieving anything as women except for this idea… do what you can to your language so that your brain can compute happiness. When your brain believes you are happy because of what you accomplished, you have more happiness and exude value that leads to wealth.
If you follow this column, you know that I write about permission. I could write on this topic every day for the rest of my life, and not be done with personal examples or stories of women who need to give themselves a fucking break. We are way to hard on ourselves all the time. We are happy and worried we are too happy because we may be missing something terrible we should be attending to. We are sad and we think, what can I do to get more happy? We yo yo around, all stressed out not even remembering our purpose in life, which often is achieving something that we will then proceed to undermine because we are terrified of coming off as a braggart. Or that the success is elusive and we will be the laughing stock of all that is great and envious in the world.
Today I was in conversation with the amazing Sally Helgesen, esteemed best-selling author of How Women Rise and a top leadership coach, for my book I Give You Permission to be Happy and Wealthy Women. We were discussing why women have a hard time sharing their achievements, fearing they will be construed as bragging or showing off. Sally shared a solution.
“One way women can give each other permission to claim their achievements is to help them with the language,” she said. “Women can think if they talk about what they achieve, they will be undermining others. But we need to do it. We can use the language of contribution versus achievement for women to feel more comfortable.”
In other words, we can’t change history that has taught us to play small, so we need to do a work around. While on one hand needing a work around pisses me off, if baby steps can get us closer to full acknowledgement of our great value out in the world, I’ll take it. Just like sugar free chocolate which isn’t amazing, but it gets the job done.
Here’s an example from my life using the reframe of contribution (and yes I just went there and used the term “reframe” which is total personal development speak and I apologize for that.) I could say, “I am very proud that I bought a house with the help of my wonderful real estate agent, who is also a woman and a friend, and my contribution was that I saved money year after year to have a down payment, and when it came time to move into action, I was ready.” Now, I am farther along in my life with this hold back of not taking ownership of achievement as a woman. I don’t need to use the word contribution. If I was telling someone I bought a house that increased in value $200k in 4 years, and they said, “That’s incredible.” I would nod and think, “Fuck yeah. I am a bad ass.” I wouldn’t say it out loud though. Instead I would say something cute like “Right place right time,” or “miracles do happen.” So I internalize the achievement, but externally I downplay. I push away from completely just owning I did all the work to make this particular investment happen with little to no advice except for a financial literacy on line course and a paper map of zip codes on the wall.
Buying a house may be hard, but a man wouldn’t look at it as such a victory because they didn’t ever have a time in history where they were denied a loan without a male co-signer. Or they don’t even think about the stigma of, “If I buy a house alone it’s the kiss of death to getting married.” Holy shit. On one hand we want to be independent and all in our achievements, and on the other we don’t want to look so strong we are dating dildos for the rest of our lives (just checking to see if you read this far…)
We also need to look at what actually are the wins and achievements in any circumstance. While having an asset to my name that has seen growth is a win, the real achievement was when I moved from the home as an owner when I was unhappy with a commute, and moved in a renter. Or when I made the decision recently to sell the home because I no longer wanted to take the time to manage the property. The wins of letting go and shedding are as big, if not bigger, than the gains. That said, we have to experience gains to have anything to shed or we would all be naked on a beach with only shells as commodity and some guava juice (which is like any kind of retreat offered in LA.) You get the point. We would have nada to negotiate.
If you struggle with achievement, then I suggest you try the word contribution so you can nestle into a place of evaluation of where you showed up for yourself and made a difference. At the end of every day, I try and write a list of what I accomplished. Some days, I can’t believe how much is on the list, and other days I struggle to give validity to anything that wasn’t complete or a knock out of the park. Sometimes the achievement is the contribution to getting an idea or a goal a little closer to its mark. The contribution can be to your life’s happiness, and includes stopping to see the clouds move in the sky or seeing yourself in the mirror and liking the honey blonde shade of your hair that you waited six hours under toxic chemicals to achieve because… it makes you happy.
You get to make any achievements yours of any shape and size that cause you to go out in life and be happy. And you did contribute to your happiness. You bought that probiotic that helps bloating and you are less of a bitch because you are no longer completely unhappy about how you look. You investigated a possible solution for a company you want to build and have notes. You inquired about that class you want to take and debated paying for it. You called a friend and listened to her complain for ten minutes and never ask how you are. You understood the impermanence of everything and going to God for a greater solution. You took faith into account and stopped trying to make everything go your way with sheer will and force, and then claimed it was an achievement when in fact you were unhappy the entire time.
When I don’t incite a discussion that feels out of God’s timing, or not in alignment with the other person, that for me is a big achievement because I have kept myself happy for a little longer. I have to reconcile that getting what I want when its not the time is not a win, but rather an exercise in causing more problems that will make me deeply unhappy.
Call me Pollyanna, but even in scenarios where I know people may not be thrilled with what I need to tell them, or a negotiation, I pray for the best outcome for all. Can we all be happy? Can we all be wealthy? I want to believe if we come to any situation with how can I make a contribution, versus the panic of failing or the shame of achieving, we are in our deepest gifts as women.
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