15 years ago I bought a table. Handcrafted in Berkeley, CA by a true craftsman, my kids created messy crafts with googly eyes and Elmer’s glue on its cherry wood surface. I served meals for friends who left wine rings and laughs behind in their wake, and sat contemplating my early 40’s in the dawn of the light before my children woke. I wrapped Christmas presents at the table, and did tedious hours of homework with my middle schoolers - many math tears were shed at that table. I wrote parts of my first book on its surface, and when I became aware I no longer wanted the energy of the table, contemplated getting rid of it.
Every time someone told me how fabulous the table was, I would stamp down the desire to move on and I would keep it another year longer. In fact, as I write this, having just helped a couple move the table into their truck for their son who just got his first apartment after college, I realize the pictures I used to promote the table were taken one year ago. I had taken pictures, proclaiming that was it, I was done with the table, and still it took me a year to give myself permission to move on.
In my book No Longer Denying Sexual Abuse: Making The Choices That Can Change Your Life, I talk about how one day in recovery in 2015 I realized my whole interior decor was the color of mahogany. How had my life gotten so brown, I thought? I mean, I knew… trauma and darkness had prevented me from buying bright colors and letting in sunlight. I was craving a new palate in my life so I gave a Danish modern hutch and a Hollywood motif coffee table to a deliriously happy couple as part of the deal when they came to take a free Crate and Barrel couch. “You are giving all this away for free?” they said, incredulous. “Yes, and I want you to make a happy life on it,” I said. My old energy became their new energy. I bought a new blue couch, and slowly some other items of furniture, but through three more moves, the table came along.
Until yesterday. I finally gave myself permission to not sell it, but to give it away and as soon as I made that decision and posted it on Buynothing.com, this couple, two parents, came and got the table within hours. I have found when I embark on a mission, purpose or idea that feels right to me, and I trust myself and give myself permission, everything falls into place immediately. I couldn’t be more thrilled to contribute to the start of a young person’s future, as I was also embarking on new beginnings in my life. The start to not overthinking why I would be giving away a perfectly decent table that could sell for thousands. To know it’s okay to move the energy away and look for something a bit smaller, rounder, and allowing more space and light into my condo kitchen. I find that we take on people’s stuff when we don't give ourselves permission to do whatever the hell we want. The people who don’t want to think about why they won’t change and why they are holding on to crap. When we operate on our own vibration and clear desire, we find so many people are not willing to go to that place. The conversations among people are not many.
The table left and while the old me may have waited a few weeks to buy a replacement, and to find the perfect table at the perfect price, I decided to buy one new right away. I didn’t have the time to dwell on material stuff. The work had already been done to take what no longer served me and to give it to someone else. I was thrilled and I also felt a slight charge of that shame of not being frugal. Who gives away a perfectly good table to spend money on another one? asked the voice. Me, apparently, I answered. Just like if someone said, why would you jump out of a plane, and I would answer, why not! It was life changing! Or when I was ready to get an office out of my house, my first real office, and be out of my bedroom, and an office appeared within hours in my price range.
When I was a younger person, the permission I gave myself came with a lot of anger and entitlement. I felt I deserved to behave in a certain way because of what happened to me as a kid. I felt abandoned and unloved. As I worked through the feelings and shed some of the pain, I realized that to live a life of permission isn’t where you hurt or blame another person. You simply lean into what feels good in your body and you stop questioning the why that feels right for you. You don’t fear buying a new table because it is $600 but know the flow of energy and money absolutely wants you to have something new because it is the way the world works. If I wanted to spend hours combing through Craig’s List for a table, and drive around looking for a table, I would. I don’t want to. I need to spend time with my loved ones, exercise, write, read… I don’t want to work that hard on furniture but I do want to make giving myself permission to shed what I don’t love a priority.
I used to think leaving relationships meant something was wrong with me, but now that I am with someone who lights my fire on every level, I know I was just giving myself permission to say, no not you, no not yet. If I was perceived prior as someone who had a lot of short relationships, then so be it. I know I judged myself but in all honesty, I was smart to move on until I found exactly who I was looking for. I am grateful I kept moving the bar higher. Getting rid of the table is emblematic of looking forward towards the new life, the new person I am becoming and getting excited about what will transpire at the new table. What happened on the old table is history. Just memories. Some good, some bad. The table is no longer a part of them as they are in my mind, and one day, they will fade there too because I will be filled with new memories always happening as we live in a present that becomes so quickly a past.
What is in your home that you have kept holding on to because you think it is frivolous or silly to give away? This is beyond Marie Kondo as this goes deeper into the layers of ourself that clings to the shame of what we give meaning to, when in fact all we want is to lighten the load of our lives and give ourselves a break.
Put the coffee table on the street. Sit on the floor for a while. Plan to get new cowboy boots. The wonder is in the wondering, and with that I give you permission
Wondering if you can be an author? Love writing but you are scared to take the leap? Join my free class Can I Be An Author? on March 13th at 8 AM PST.
Are you a sexual abuse survivor or know someone who is coming to terms with giving themselves permission to come out of the denial of abuse? I give you permission to talk about abuse. My book is available, as is my 21 session free series No Longer Abused.