When I was headed towards the teen years as a parent, not even at the tween years yet, women started to warn me. “Oh, you just wait. The teen years are terrible. They will ignore you and rip out your heart.” I waited in terror for the day my first born turned thirteen, thinking it can’t be any worse than pre-tween (which was tumultuous…). The day came, and nothing happened. Same with my second born. She turned thirteen and it was another day, another dinner. Where was the spitting fire? The raging door slams? The foul names? Running amok with friends and lying?
Oh yeah… that was ME as a teen. Not my girls.
We project as the Gen X generation on how we were as teens to how our kids will be but here is the deal from my perspective. Many many of us were abused, neglected, mistreated, misunderstood and lied to. So you wonder why late at night we crawled out a window to cruise around in our friend’s convertible high? Why we stole our parents’ cars when they were out of town or drank their liquor? Life sucked at home! Our parents were immature idiots. Life does not suck at home for my teens. They are heard, seen, supported, loved and their needs are met. So why would they for any particular reason be complete jerks?
Look, I am not denying on milestones, there have not been days where I have wanted to boot one or both of them out of a moving car. I also am hardly a buddha on a hill and can snap over a $10 registration charge when asked in the wrong timing… but let’s examine what teens today are surmounting. Boring long school days in a broken public school system. Confusion amid new hormones about gender identification and/or sexual preference. No money to do anything yet the laws against them working. Fear of learning to drive a car. Get into a good college. Not have acne scars. Being laughed at/misunderstood. This is the short list. And as I write about this topic, the focus should be less on the change in teens and more on adults entering mid life. How many people do I know who completely fall apart and lose their minds when they turn 55? We don’t walk around as a society saying, “Oh you just wait until she/he turns 55. They turn into complete assholes.” Although we should because some people are not handling aging very well, and are out there causing a lot more wreckage than our teens.
How can I judge two teens who every time I try and chew a cuticle or the inside of my cheek in anxiety they go “Mom!” and when I look over, give me a warning look. Instead, thank you for monitoring my mid life angst. Or when I go into a tizzy about the unmatched socks stuffed everywhere in couches and on bathroom floors because I am having a perimenopausal surge, and they simply say, “Mom, the socks will get picked up. Chill.”
The socks WILL get picked up and always do. I need to just chill and enjoy life because if they can, then I can. I have lots more decades of experience upon me knowing how to handle shit. I have perspective, yet in our fifties we assume we missed something because if we knew what was going on we wouldn’t be so behind the eight ball this late. The teens know what is going on. We get to take some credit for helping them there. They are not our adversaries. They are the product of something we did right.
Give yourself a slap on the back and start telling other people the teen years are amazing.
Sure, there have been emotional explosions, tears, but what household that is not an open place of communication doesn’t have the range of emotions? I hardly doubt that this is a problem of just having teens.
In fact, my teens are available to openly debate political issues, appease me when I want to drag them to the beach with the long long walk across the hot sand, accept I cook like shit, weather we have money/we don’t have money, celebrate my wins, laugh over absurd things like Flea Bag the tv show, take trips with me, honor my space and offer interesting make up advice. I get kissed, cuddled and told I am loved on the regular.
No one talks about the upside. So from now on, if I know a woman is going to have teens, I am going to take a different route. I am going to share all the magical wonders of watching two young women blossom in front of your eyes. I am going to share about how, when I got my emotional shit together, I was able to be a solid rock for my daughters and their emotional growth. I am going to share that when they have a win, or a loss, you feel the very feelings they have in the depths of your heart in a way that takes days to shake. You want to buy them everything and save them from the world, but your inability to do so will make them independent and achieve a life shaped for them.
Don’t give up on your teens. They are our greatest teachers.